the zero-day work week

Lukewarm LLC garnered headlines this week with the announcement of an innovative new company policy. Starting Monday, all employees will have the option to work.

That's right. Not work from home. Not work from anywhere. "Work."

This announcement comes on the heels of Lukewarm’s two largest competitors — Blasé Inc. and ItsAllGoodBabaBabay — announcing similar, albeit less extreme, departures from the rigid five-day workweek.

Blasé rolled out a "Friday Bye Day" schedule where employees will still earn their full-time salary but work four days a week. ItsAllGoodBabaBabay quickly one-upped this move with a 3-day workweek. Employees will earn 60 percent of their salary plus a free Tesla, Peloton Tread, and a paid subscription to Paramount+.

Lukewarm CEO, Ray Morse, said his competitors forced him to think outside the box.

“We knew we had to act quickly,” Morse said. “We fired up a Zoom call, started throwing Spaghetti At The Wall.”

“Spaghetti At The Wall” is a new app within Mark Zuckerburg’s Metaverse where people can shout ideas while throwing virtual spaghetti at a virtual wall. For $18 a month, you can upgrade to fettuccini.

The first round of ideas included a 2-day work week and a playful concept where a random employee would “spin the wheel” and land somewhere between 1 to 5 days for the following week.

But Ray Morse wasn’t satisfied.

“It’s this constant one-upping,” Morse explained. “You go with two days, next thing you know, those dirtbags over at Tepid Industries announce a one-day week. Where does it end?”

The only logical end was picking a number that could not be beaten.

“I told my team, let’s get really bold here,” Morse said. “Let’s change ‘work from home’ to ‘home.’ You don’t even have to open your laptop!”

This immediately raised an eyebrow from Chief Financial Officer, Lyle Bility.

“At first, we struggled with the concept, because if you make it a zero-day work week, what if the employees work zero days?” Lyle Bility said. “But Ray showed us something interesting. When we moved from 15-days PTO to an unlimited policy, this actually reduced vacation. Employees went from averaging 15-days a year, down to 5.”

The secret? Morse said it starts with “g” and rhymes with “quilt.”

“When employees are working five days a week, plus Sunday nights, and emails at three in the morning, you’re running things entirely on willpower and dogged determination,” Morse said. “Those wells run dry. That’s what burnout’s all about. But guilt, my friends. That’s an unlimited resource.”

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Zero-Day Work Week “Works” like a Charm

The result of the zero-day work week has been nothing short of astounding.

For the first month, everyone still put in five day weeks, confused by this new mandated freedom. At the start of Week 5, leadership delivered a well-placed guilt trip by announcing, “Remember, our new policy is truly zero-days. So, if you feel comfortable, and think the company won’t immediately spiral into bankruptcy, by all means, take some time off!”

One employee tried to embrace the new policy. He bought a one-way ticket to New Zealand, didn’t pack his laptop at all.

“Two weeks later, money in the bank account,” said Operations Manager, Ash Amed. “Same thing two weeks after that. I started to feel this terrible twist in my stomach. How can I keep getting paid not to work!? I disconnected my bank account. But then a physical check showed up. In New Zealand! I didn’t even tell them where I was going. After another five weeks of that, I couldn’t take it anymore. I was back at my desk the following Monday at 7 am. I’ve been working overtime ever since to make up for those vacation weeks.”

When touring the dark office (the lights are left off to discourage people from coming in), Morse pointed to an inspirational cat poster.

“‘If you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life,'” Morse recited. “So true. And that’s why we’re giving employees the option to donate some of their salaries back to the company.”

However, the zero-day work week is being met with some level of opposition. A growing number of employees have tried to recreate a sense of structure. This group has made a list of demands including an 8 am start time, 5 pm stop, and a 1-hour lunch.

“We wanted to better define what exactly does ‘not working’ mean,” said Head of Internal Risk & Skepticism, Shannon Soundsfishy. “How do we know if we’re not working or not not-working, you know?”

Ray Morse was puzzled by this reaction and took some time off — from his mandated time off — to “binge-listen.” For those unfamiliar, “binge listening” is when you book a vacation home on VRBO and listen to nothing but podcasts for 72 hours.

“The podcast I was listening to said it’s actually more freeing to have a set of rules, even a strict set of rules, versus unfiltered freedom. For example, what’s the best song at a wedding? It’s that ‘slide to the left, slide to the right, two hops this time’ song. Why? Because you know exactly what you’re supposed to do. I mean, how do you dance if you don’t know the steps?”

The Lukewarm leadership team has since accepted the employees’ demands and everyone has returned to the physical office for a 5-day, 8-to-5 schedule with 15-days of PTO.

“I finally get to take some time off!” Ash Amed said, before raising an eyebrow. “Wait a second…”

Surprisingly, job applications have gone up. New hires applaud the rules as a “breath of fresh air” in an increasingly chaotic “sounds too good to be true” recruiting landscape.

“Those other places with the 4-day week, or the free Peloton, or the ‘work hard, play hard' atmosphere, it’s like, alright, what’s the catch here?” said New Hire, Reed Dafineprint. “Lukewarm is transparent. They’ve got a structure. And that’s pretty freeing. Like you know that one song at a wedding…”

Morse said things are looking up in the new year. Business profitability and employee morale have never both been this high at the same time. At least not since the first week of the all-in-one coffee machine/air fryer.

To celebrate, leadership attempted to roll out a “Work From Home Friday” reward, but this was quickly rejected. Leadership is now cautiously implementing “Casual Friday,” but plans stalled after a heated, “Do leggings count as pants?” debate broke out on Slack.

Ray Morse said it’s been a wild ride, but he’s proud of where the company is headed going into the new year.

“Our team has returned to work, and work has returned to our team,” Morse said, looking off in the distance. “Actually, that was pretty good. Let’s get that up on a poster.”