the soccerification of American sports

Something's happening to American sports, and I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

Then I realized, it's being influenced by the one sport where you can't put a finger on it.

Like Ted Lasso himself, American sports fans are finding themselves thrown into a strange new world of soccer. Let's start with football. Well, our football, not... you know what I mean. The NFL now has weekly kickoffs played across the pond, in soccer stadiums, kicking off at, like, 7 AM. Feels very much like the Premier League.

But it goes deeper than that. Last weekend, the Lions scored a touchdown in overtime, but then the New York Giants got the ball. Haters call this the "Mahomes Rule," a security measure that ensures, even if the Chiefs lose the coin toss, Mahomes (and Taylor Swift) are still guaranteed a chance to win.

I don't see this as a Mahomes rule. I see it as soccerification. It's a move away from a very football-sounding finale (SUDDEN DEATH) to "everyone gets a chance." There doesn't have to be a winner and a loser. This new rule encourages more regular-season ties. A very soccer thing to do. In five years, I wouldn't be surprised if the tiebreaker is alternating field goal kicks.

Now let's look at basketball. The NBA Cup? Very soccery. Involves group stages and an Emirates logo. It's a midseason tournament, which I feel like there's always a soccer tournament going on right in the middle of one of our seasons. And there's confusion about whether this is a real championship or not, like how I feel when I'm trying to understand, alright, there's the Premier League, the Champions League, but then there’s Real Madrid and Barcelona, that's something else, right? But what about Brazil? Italy? And doesn't Ronaldo play for, like, Saudi Arabia?

At the end of games, NBA players are even exchanging jerseys with each other, just like soccer players. It's getting out of hand.

College basketball, same thing. This new Players Era tournament — I don't even know if it’s called a tournament. Doesn't even have a bracket! What's more American than a bracket? Instead, the championship game is determined by pool play, points scored, points allowed, margin of victory, and something to do with the metric system. I expect Flory Bidunga to be issued a yellow card next time he goaltends. Although goaltending is allowed in soccer.

College sports, in general, I've been on this conspiracy theory for 10 years. I think we're tiptoeing closer to a "relegation" system like soccer. Meaning: college sports (football and basketball) would no longer be collegiate at all; they'd just become lower-level professional leagues. This means that a team like the Washington Wizards or Brooklyn Nets, forget getting the No. 1 draft pick, if you finish last place in the Eastern Conference, you're going down to the Big East. Playing UCONN and St. John's. Seriously. Keep an eye on this. We're a couple NIL deals away from the NCAA becoming the EFL.

But not baseball. Oh no, our great American pastime is holding strong. Still serving up hot dogs instead of sausage rolls. Beer, but not served in "pints," we're pouring it into giant plastic baseball bats.

To be fair, I was nervous when the World Baseball Classic launched. Feels very World Cup-y. But then they installed a pitch clock. Sped up the game. A very fast-food, American thing to do. I guess baseball does have a built-in Mahomes rule: the home team still gets to bat in the bottom of an inning, but in the new extra innings rule, at least during the regular season, they automatically put a guy on second base. We're not letting this game end in a tie. And in the postseason, we'll play 35 innings. If we run out of pitchers, we'll call people down from the stands. Under no circumstances can a game end in penalty kicks. And then the most baseball thing of all, there's still no clock (besides the pitch clock). The game doesn't count down like other American sports or up like soccer. And, to this day, I think it's the only sport where no one has ever kicked the ball. If they did, there'd be a penalty.

To all the soccer haters out there who boldly claim that you'll never watch the sport and that even the World Cup is super boring, well, just keep telling yourself that. Because next time you stay up late watching Luka vs. Jokic, or Giannis vs. Wemby, or Sengun vs. Markkanen, or any other European star matchup in the NBA, and then wake up at 7 AM to watch a couple of football teams play in Wembley Stadium, and take a sip of black coffee only to realize it's black tea, it'll hit ya: you're secretly a soccer fan.

If you enjoyed this post, there's a lot more sports content below. And then one about my first non-buzz cut that didn't happen until I was well into my 30s.

And if you want to kick things up a notch, I've got a few books out there:

• Here or There

• Meet the Godfreys

• Tour de Bathroom

Have a great rest of your week and enjoy all the matches. I mean games. Ah, what's happening!